Fake Sue Nokes

A Long Overdue Goodbye

2010-03-26T22:17:00.001-07:00

Nokes here!

I put Charles Barkley in charge of posting this blog but I recently got access to a top secret unfiltered Chinese Internet connection and found out that he had not posted this blog. He will be dealt with swiftly with my original set of medieval weaponry once owned by King Arthur...

...anyway, here is my last and long-overdue blog entry.

As you may have heard, I recently announced something that will change T-Mobile forever.

It was a morning like any other morning -- I fed some fresh giraffe to my pet tiger, was dressed by a billion nanotech robots in my most dashing baby panda skin pantsuit, had C3PO make a delicious breakfast of scrambled sea turtle eggs and baby seal bacon, and washed it all down with a piping hot cup of unfair trade coffee.

As I was reading over my daily intelligence briefings from the White House, Germany, and North Korea, Lil Kim and Charles Barkley walked into the kitchen. They had stayed the night in my 8000 square foot Mediterranean style guest palace the night before. I looked down at my diamoned crusted G4 -- it was 7:30. We knew what we had to do.

I sent Charles Barkley in the solid gold Concord because he's legally not allowed to be in or near a car. I, on the other hand, chose to drive my gold plated Bentley into the office. I needed a few minutes of fresh air to clear my head. When I pulled into the secret parking garage under Newport 5, I found Charles Barkley asleep leaning against a wall. For Nokessake! I think he may have already been drinking. After taking our private escalator, commanded by Rob Schneider, up to the 10th floor, my entourage arrived in Dotson's office.

"Robdog, we're leaving you."

Dotson dropped the box of powdered doughnuts his face was buried in. Powdered sugar was all over his face and on his sweater-vest. "Whaaa doof yuuf me?" He swallowed. "What do you mean? Why? When? Can we talk about this?"

No, we couldn't talk about this... my work at T-Mobile was done. It's all been an evil plot. All I've ever wanted was to permanantly live on my moonbase with my closest friends Charles Barkley and Lil Kim. The plan was going well until Charles Barkley lost his license for that silly DUI a few months ago -- I didn't think modern technology could determine if an individiual was intoxicated by power and baby tears. Anyway, I've been secretly abusing my position at T-Mobile to collect the items I needed for my moonbase.

I've had Verne Troyer, better known as Mini-Me from the Austin Powers Movie Series, hiding in Dotson's office collecting crumbs. I've promised him a spot in my moonbase because we all know just how cute he is in a little silver moon base suit. Anyway, C3PO has sorted all the crumbs and has used the 3G frequency radiation I borrowed from Cole to reconstitute and irradiate enough food to keep the moonbase running for 45 years.

Ever since the "Other Rob" came into my office and put his feet on my original Resolute Desk, built in 1880 from the timbers of the British Frigate Resolute, personally donated to me by Queen Victoria , I have been on a mission to destroy him. I've got your sheriff right here, asshole.

I've wired his bicycles with kinetic energy collection devices. Not only has it made it several times harder for him to ride his bike, he has personally generated enough energy to power my moonbase until, according to Brian Kirk Patrick's calculations, 2110! Nokes went green, bitches!

My most recent masterpiece has been in my sabatogue of Other Rob's personal pet project, that stupid IM thingy. For the longest time, no one could figure out why when one agent sent a marble it wasn't received on the other end. Well, my Nokesters, it was me. Muwhahaha! I personally tasked John Birrer with collecting them. I gave him a prototype Dyson Vaccuum cleaner and hid him in the floor of the Bothell Data Center. We almost got caught several times -- do you know how big that man's head is??It's impossible to sneak him anywhere! Anyway, we collected the marbles, ground them up into a powder, added a dash of Alticomm, and created the strongest glass the world has ever seen. My personal friend the Obamanator complimented me just the other day on my moon base's awe-inspiring panoramic views. In fact, he's put my moonbase down as his preferred continuity of government location.

Lots of people have reacted to the news of me leaving. I took Solid Gold Concord down to Albuquerque the other day, and the agents cried and wailed when I showed up. C3PO ran around and collected all the tears from the agents. I like the tears of Albuquerque agents -- they're spicy and have just a hint of red chile. They taste great in a Bloody Mary!

NASA was so saddened by my departure that they gave me a special spacesuit for my final trip to the moon. JD Powers and Associates, upon hearing the news, awarded me with their "Highest Overall Satisfaction for a Diety other than Jesus" lifetime award. I almost didn't accept it because even Jesus doesn't get an invitation to my cocktail parties... but I posed for a picture in the spacesuit in front of my new flag anyway.

Most of all, the ghost writers (there are many of them) of my blog have expressed extreme sadness in my departure. Although they have given me a lot of shit over the years, they appreciate all I've done for the company -- my relentless dedication to customer service that has won us countless awards and respect in the industry, the fact that I'm a positive role model to agents and truly believe they are #1, my ecclectic sense of fashion, and my questionable use of company resources. They know I will truly be missed.

I have just a few days left in this transitional period. People ask me if T-Mobile will change after I leave. I know, deep down in my heart, that T-Mobile will always be the beacon of customer satisfaction, champion of great value, and advocate of seamless personal connections that we have all made it over the past seven years. I'm confident that T-Mo will pull out of this slump and be on the way to the top in no time.

It won't be long before I take my final trip to the moon, never to come back... but you can pretty much be sure this isn't the last you've seen of the Nokes.

YOU CANT QUIT THE NOKES, BITCHES!

New Company Incentives/Sweet Justice/New Seperation Procedure

2008-07-31T13:05:00.000-07:00

Nokes here. I just had my monthly skin shedding, a glass of chilled tears, and a brilliant idea. Not that anyone is surprised. After all, I think so deep that I eat religion and shit enlightenment. The Nokes' new idea is so great that it will work as new company incentive tool and also process all new separations for corporate schlubs ala John Birrer. What is it? Simple. I've had my right arm replaced with a medieval mace.

Fall below business standards? MACE! Make eye contact with The Nokes while I visit your call center? MACE! Look at my new mace? MACE! I think you get the idea. My new mace or as I call her, Sweet Justice, will also take care of processing all executive seperations. I'm having Lil Kim send out meeting makers as I type. Enjoy your day. BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA!!!!

-Nokes Out!

Oh No He Didn't

2008-07-30T13:45:00.000-07:00

So I was sitting at a Park just outside of T-Mobile's HQ, unblinkingly staring at children while suffocating a clown when I was interrupted my one of my Fave 5 contacts: My Good Friend Charles Barkley.

Charles: Thue! Thue! Yousa herda boutsa beer blog.

Nokes: Dammit Charles! I can barely understand a word you're saying. You sound like a drunk Jar Jar Binx. It's Thursday, 4:20pm, do you know what you're interrupting?

Charles: Clown chokins atsa park?

Nokes: Exactly. A blog about beer doesn't sound important. So unless your going to cheer
up The Nokes with news that there actually were casualties in that earthquake that hit California...

Charles: No, Thue... Beer-er. Notsa Beer.

Nokes: John Birrer has a Fake John Birrer Blog? That giant headed son of a bitch! Mama Nokes will deal with him. It's time we deflate that head of his to a somewhat proportionate size.

After hanging up with My Good Friend Charles Barkely I returned my attention to the children. Damn that Birrer. The clown is already passed out and I missed out on their initial cries of panic. I quickly had C3PO save what tears were left and store them to mix with some vodka later. The Nokes has some business to take care of.

In the meantime you can read John Birrer's blog as http://fakejohnbirrer.blogspot.com/ You know, the one that will never be as good as The Nokes'. Go let him know how great I am.

-Nokes Out!

Da Nokes Is Back!

2008-07-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

That's right my little ones... All is right once again with the world. The Nokes is back! And judging by the amount of suicide letters I've received from T-Mobile employees, not a moment too soon. I was this close to having enough suicide letters to cover my entire Moonbase. In fact, I was going to stick it out a litle longer but my people cry out for me. Actually, we were starting to become understaffed due to so many employees following through on their letter. Whatevs. Instead I'll just make shower curtains out of the letter, or a diaper for John Birrer.

Speaking of Birrer, has anyone noticed how large this man's head is? Have you any idea how hard it is to sit in a meeting with him and not get caught in orbit by his head's gravitational pull. Just look at this. I had to use such a tiny picture to ensure none of your computers would be sucked into that vortex sitting on top of his neck.
If this isn't proof that this isn't a good I don't know what is. his head is literally taking up 75% of that picture. now don't missunderstand The Nokes. John's a great guy... as long as you're not edible. If he visits your center just do your best to not look edible. I usually use my slimy skin and shady soul to shape shift into an anthrax laced double-edge sword, which just so happens to be my natural shape.

Back From the Moon Base

2008-05-15T18:27:00.001-07:00

Nokes here. I haven’t posted recently because I’ve been undergoing my semi-annual regeneration cycle on my moon base. Since I never sleep, the regeneration cycle is a standard practice for me every couple of years, but it comes with dire consequences. First it leaves Dotson with the impression that he’s in charge and he begins to make all sorts of changes after the first few days. The Nokes has to stamp out that kind of action immediately upon returning to the office. Usually all it takes is a box of Girl Scout Thin Mints to get him to settle down, but this time he was a bit more forceful than usual, so I made C3PO take him to Chuck E’ Cheeses for the day.

Another thing that happens when I’m in my regeneration cycle is the severe natural disasters you’ve been seeing on the news lately. As soon as I was back on Earth, my good friend Charles Barkley called me with the extent of the damage and I must say I’m impressed. You see, the Nokes controls all of the Earth’s weather patterns from her Diamond encrusted Blackberry Curve, and when it’s turned off, people die.

So now I’m off to take my nightly bath in a gold bathtub filled with the tears of orphaned Burmese children. Nokes out.

About My Amazing Leather Outfits

2008-03-04T11:17:00.000-08:00

Many, many, many, of you have asked where I get my incredible leather outfits and business suits. Honestly, how often do you see a company officer decked out in a lime green, all leather, business suit? Not to mention the 50 carat diamond gloves I've been sporting as of late. That's style. One of the most frequent questions is how do I get the leather dyed in those colors. The answer: I don't.

Instead I have an entire farm of genetically engineered cows in an assortment of colors. I don't take care of these cows myself of course. I have a team of orphans that I picked up with the promise of an education and toys to take care of them. it's like killing two birds with one stone since I can then use the children's tears for my bubble baths. It's Nokestastic. That's enough secrets for one day.

-Nokes Out!

C3P0, the Philippines, and Sodomy

2008-03-01T11:29:00.000-08:00

The Nokes thinks she might be sad. Not sure though because I’ve never felt this way but am told by my doctor I show the symptoms. The fact that my doctor suggested I remotely showed signs that “normal” people have every day was cause for his immediate expiration. C3P0 was fired today. That’s my second personal shopper in less than 1 year! For Nokessake! I thought he would be around forever since he’s a gay robot and all but apparently my bike team has converted him after they left my moonbase to set up a commune on the island of Lesbos. Apparently C3P0 is their love slave and straps on that highlighter somewhere and somehow all these bitches get sexual pleasure from his highlighting skills.

Speaking of love slaves let me tell you about the insane decision T-Mobile made. I received some complaints from Sales about our Customer Care sites changing hours of operation and how its affecting customers since they are no longer available 24/7, blah, blah, blah, blah. Normally I would have each of their store tigers turn on them and eat them in front of a family in the store but then I learned that we off-shored a site in the Philippines! What? The Philippines? I had made it clear that our first off-shore site would be in Cuba. I had already promised Fidel the General Manager position and he was in training after stepping down from his presidency! Rest assured The Nokes took care of those that outsourced to the Philippines by sodomizing them with Cuban cigars and fire. In the words of Lil Kim - Puff, puff give motha-fucker!

- Nokes Out!

Wrestling with My Demons

2008-02-28T10:37:00.001-08:00

Afternoon Nokesaholics. Don't let the blog title fool you. I don't mean that I was wrestling with some horrible thing from my past. You see, The Nokes doesn't really work out, but when I want to get in some physical activity I actually wrestle with 2 demons that I own. Not only is it good exercise but it scares the hell out of everyone in Washington whenever I bring them into the gym at work. Dotson usually soils himself which aside from the smell (smells like freshly baked donuts) is pretty much hilarious. My good friend Charles Barkley suggested I give my 2 demons a job in HR. I'm definitely taking it under advisement. You may be wondering just how I obtained 2 demons. Let's just say that the Satan has an affinity for my management style.

-Nokes Out!

No Lube For You Suncom

2008-02-27T11:13:00.000-08:00

You may have heard about our recent merger with Suncom. If you didn't I'd recommend that for the sake of your face's current configuration you pretend like you did. Anywho, the deal basicaly came about because I, The Nokes, didn't get service while in some Nokesforesaken carribean island that has the balls to call itself a country. I took my gold concord jet straight to the "offices" at Suncom. Their so called office is basically a shed with some wallpaper and shag carpeting. Lil Kim and I stormed in and offered to by them out for 1 billion dollars. These nitwits declined so I then advised them that I was now taking their company for them and all they were going to get was 100 million and a box of pop tarts. They gladly accepted, although I think Kim's glock may have had something to do with that.

So what of the Suncom employees? The plan is to have them limbo for their jobs. It's like giving the entire company a giant titty twister. Nokes style.

-Nokes Out!

The Bitch Is Back!

2008-02-27T08:03:00.000-08:00

Nokes here. I was SHOCKED to find out that my blog was no longer being published. Usually I'm the one that does the shocking, preferably while someone is tied up with their feet in a bucket of water that I've connected to a car battery. You know, the usual. I reminded the disgruntled ex-employee author that I still own their soul and that they MUST continue writing. It seems that this moron forgot that while humans are made up of 90% water, The Nokes is made up of 90% bile. So here I am, back in effect as Lil Kim would say. I'll be back a little later to blog about the incredibly long corn-holing we gave Suncom on this merger. Like I said, The Bitch is back, so watch your.. um... back. Yeah.

All Good Things...

2008-02-11T06:11:00.000-08:00

... must come to an end. Unfortunately, this blog is no different. This blog started out as just something to do for fun. I never imagined that there would be 85 posts in just a few months' time. However, it's becoming increasingly difficult to come up with funny topics that are somehow Nokes or T-Mobile related. The Fake Sue character has been a lot of fun to do but it's becoming more of a chore than something I enjoy. Also, I want the blog to go out on a high note rather than have it gradually get less and less funny or interesting. Maybe one day I'll dust off her moonbase, C3PO, and her good friend Charles Barkley. But for now, The Nokes is going into her hyperbaric chamber for a well deserved nap. Thanks to everyone who posted a comment or e-mailed me about the blog. The page itself will remain up as will the previous blogs. Thanks again. It's been fun.

-Fake Sue Nokes Author Out!

More Highlighter Trouble

2008-02-08T10:16:00.000-08:00

The Nokes here. I didn't blog yesterday due to having to spend the entire day coaxing the women's cycling team out of their room. Ever since I gave them the T-Mobile highlighters they have just spent all of their time in their room moaning and excitedly highlighting documents. It's out of control. The only way I was able to get them out of their rooms was by stealing their highlighters and putting them on their bicycle seats. Anyway, they're now riding those seats faster than they ever have before. What can I say? The Nokes is a genius, just like Mussolini.

-Nokes Out!

I don't See The Problem With This Highlighter At All

2008-02-06T11:39:00.000-08:00

The Nokes just doesn't get it. Apparently, this highlighter that we sent out to all of our offices last year is still causing quite the commotion. Some people insist that the highlighter (pictured left) resembles whatever that thing is to the right of it. I just don't see what you people are talking about. Nokesdammit I get a call from HR about one of these things just about everyday! It's absolutely ridiculous. How dare HR call me, the Nokesmeister, about any complaints. Lil Kim must be getting tired from all of the HR employees she's had to go regulate on.

But back to the highlighter. There are two models. Most models had magenta hair sticking out the top of the head like those little troll dolls. This hairless, or "shaved" model, highlights just as well but minus the hair. Personally, I always thought that this one would be sleeker and provide less friction when highlighting. I wouldn't know for sure though since as you know, I don't use a highlighter because every word I write is important. This is why all of my memos are sent on bright magenta or bright yellow paper.

Anyway, we spent a lot of money on these gorgeous highlighters yet all I get are complaints about how questionable they look. People are getting offended. Well, if I don't get offended by it then it's certainly not offensive. I just gave a case of these to T-Mobile's Women's Cycling Team last night and they love them. They said that using these was a thrilling experience. How many times do you hear that about a highlighter? In fact, the only complaint that they had was that they wish it was bigger. Which I can only assume means that they want a bigger version so that it will hold more highlighting fluid. C3PO volunteered to order and test a bigger model so expect a bigger, thicker, and more powerful T-Mobile highlighter this year.

-Nokes Out!

About Our Mother's Day Ads

2008-02-05T13:07:00.000-08:00

Marketing just sent over these new Mother's Day ads over to myself and El Dotson. My good friend Charles Barkley thinks that some people may get offended. This is coming from a man that threw someone through the window of a bar a few years ago. Don't believe The Nokes? Read about it here. Personally, I don't see what he was talking about. This is the note he sent me:

"Stik n to yo momma nasty not good. uh no. she lika it. i fax a dokiment fromma bibble. don't stick to momma lika dat."

It's going to be a long day for The Nokes. I'll definitely need to drink a glass of chilled tears at the end of this one.

-Nokes Out!

And The New T-Mobile Women's Cycling Team Coach Is...

2008-02-05T09:38:00.000-08:00

... The Nokes of course. Just look at these ladies and their powerful legs. Yes... Anyway, who better than The Nokes to help train and lead a team to victory. Just look at what I've done with myself, Dotson, and those other dispensable white guys that sit at the big table over in WA. Speaking of Dotson, ever since the Denver trip he's been on a strict diet... of snow cones. Apparently he's been talking about how he won't let some "food" beat him. I imagine he's referring to the day that he gorged himself on a small mountain of snow and had to be rushed to the hospital to have his stomach pumped. First I thought that he just figured it was vanilla or frosting. That would've actually been better than the truth. The truth is that he took the term "snow cone" to a whole new level. Sigh.

First order of business is to build team unity. This is why I'm having the women's cycling team move in with me in my moonbase. Not only will our close quarters help the team to bond with their new coach but it will also keep away prying eyes. Because as you know, we can't have anyone learning The Nokes' special techniques. I have a simple motto for our cycling team: Destroy the competition completely or The Nokes will completely destroy you. I've hung up the following posters around the moonbase to provide motivation.

The Nokes will be back a little later. I need to go measure/fit the girls for their new uniforms.

-Nokes Out!

The Rest Of The Values

2008-02-04T07:04:00.000-08:00

Nokes here. A few people, who will soon be unemployed, pointed out that I didn't cover all of the values. Nokes Almighty, I know that you can't get enough of my wisdom but if you had taken the time to read my post you would have seen that I wasn't covering all of the values. However, since you're dying for another hit of that sweet Nokes ecstacy pill I will now baptise you with my awesomenessity.

-Our frontline employees (CSRs, RSRs, Field Techs) are #1 and the customer is why = YOU ARE FIRST ON THE FIRING LINE. LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY. IF YOU OR ANYONE ELSE SCREW UP YOU ARE GONE AND NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN

-Customer delight drives actions = THE NOKES IS THE CUSTOMER AND I HAD BEST BE DELIGHTED

-Recognize and celebrate team success= I'M TOO BUSY BUYING DIAMONDS, DRINKING HOLY WATER, & BACKING PUPPIES INTO A CORNER TO RECOGNIZE YOU. YOU'D BEST DO IT YOURSELF BECAUSE I CERTAINLY WON'T.

P.S. Memorization of the new value meanings will soon be mandatory for all employees and their children. There will be a test.

So I Googled Myself...

2008-02-02T18:22:00.000-08:00

... and this picture of an 89 year old pimp/recent college graduate came up. What in the hell is this about? First of all, I clearly told Google that I didn't want to see any other Nokes but me when I use their search engine. I was hoping that this was just Dotson at his part time gig but it turns out that this old fart's name is John Nokes. Nokes! Judging from the pin stripe suit he fancies himself a pimp and a member of the mafia. I've sent Lil Kim and ironically, 36 Mafia, to teach this Nokes wannabe a lesson. You will rue the day that you skinned a lanky fox and attached it to a red bed sheet. Remember John, news is my hooker and truth is her pimp!

-Nokes Out

More Kick Off Thoughts

2008-02-01T07:34:00.000-08:00

Nokes here. Let's talk values. The Nokes is not good with words. In fact, The Nokes is the BEST with words. For this reason, we had to dumb-down some of the T-Mobile values so everyone would be able to understand them and not get offended. So while I acted like I was listening to some Sales Manager nobodies I put together a list of some values along with their original intent. It's my simple way of boosting morale since all T-Mobile employees would give their kidney for a glimpse into the mind of The Nokes:

- Trust in the positive intentions of others = DO NOT QUESTION ANYTHING I DO!

- I am T-Mobile. Count on me = DO NOT FUCK UP OR YOU WILL LOSE YOUR JOB!

- Practice Team-Together, Team Apart = I AM WATCHING EVERYTHING YOU DO EVEN WHEN YOU'RE NOT AT WORK SO BE VERY CAREFUL!

- Leaders coach and develop leaders = THE LESS YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR JOB, THE BETTER. FIGURE IT OUT WITH YOUR IDIOTIC CO-WORKERS.

- Think Big, Act Small = DO NOT CROSS ME OR I WILL EAT YOU! YOUR IDEAS ARE STUPID AND NOT WELCOME!

Thank Nokes this Kick Off is almost over! Whoever decided on Denver for this event will be fired. Next year it's going to be on my moon base and T-Mobile won't be paying for the travel or hotel accommodations.

- Nokes Out!

(Note: all employees must give me a kidney by the end of Q1)

2008 Kick Off Update #9

2008-02-01T05:18:00.001-08:00

Today's the closing day of the 2008 kick off and I have to admit, The Nokes is ready to head back for a little R&R. After a stressful week of bathing everyone in my wisdom it's time for The Nokes to relax. I'll be taking my Gold Concord Jet home to my moonbase in the early afternoon. Once home I'll relax by putting on some of my favorite crying babies tracks on my ipod. A child's crying has always been very soothing to me. From there, I'll throw in a few of my favorite movies. I'll probably go with The Shining, The Passion Of The Christ, Titanic, Glory, and My Girl. You know, just some comedies to help The Nokes relax. I like to watch them all at once for maximum laughter. It's also the first of the month so that means I'll begin my monthly skin shedding tonight as well. Then maybe tomorrow some hoops with my good friend Charles Barkley. Also, I hear there's something big happening this Sunday. I'm assuming it's some kind of parade being thrown in my honor.

-Nokes Out

2008 Kick Off Update #8

2008-01-31T09:18:00.001-08:00

The Nokes has just about had it with this hotel. First of all, I had requested for all of the beds from my wing to be removed. I don't sleep after all so what's the point in having them here. guess what I found on the 30th room of my wing... a bed! Nokes Almighty! I also made it clear that I needed to have a closet to store my Oompa Loompas so that they could carry me everywhere I went. I guess they weren't given a room last night and now they're loose in Denver, attacking children everywhere. Yes, I realize that the attacking of children by Oompa Loompas is hilarious but now I have to moonwalk everywhere. What's worse is that the Fantasia kid phone has been activated. It was hard to understand the kid while he was talking but it seems like Fantasia got a hold of a Sidekick again. Maybe she had something to do with the theft of those phones. After all, she is one of those people... an American Idol contestant. Alright, The Nokes is heading back to The Kick Off. If anyone so much as attempts to breath any air that I've exhaled you will be docked 30% of your pay.

-Nokes Out!

2008 Kick Off Update #7

2008-01-30T10:47:00.000-08:00

Nokes here. I know most of you are going through Fake Sue blog withdrawal today. I meant to post a little earlier but I've spent the majority of the day trying to find a computer capable of holding my final presentation of the week. Every time I have it copied to a new computer it melts within minutes. There may not be a computer powerful enough to hold it. But that's not what this update is about.

Rumor has it that there's been a lot of discussion at the kick off about my orientation. At first I thought it was in reference to the orientation of my axis but then C3PO clarified that the questions were in regards to my sexual orientation. That C3PO really has a radar for nailing those kind of subjects down. Well let me put the rumors and questions to rest. The Nokes isn't gay... or straight. The Nokes is beyond those simple terms. The scientific community has deemed my sexual orientation to be "Nokes." Coincidentally, they've also labeled my gender as "Nokes." Confused? Of course you are. You're probably straight or gay.

Another thing C3PO told me is that people are saying that I have a God complex. That I act so arrogantly that I might as well believe that I am God. I actually already knew people were saying this about me since I am after all omniscient. But don't worry about being punished for your heresy. The Nokes is in a particularly good mood today so I'm going to let it slide like a funnel cake down Dotson's throat. I forgive you, for you know not what you say.

-Nokes Out!

2008 Kick Off Update #6

2008-01-29T17:19:00.000-08:00

Someone stopped me in THE HALLWAY of our hotel this afternoon to ask me where Dotson's at? I keep writing about him but they haven't seen him. First, you may have noticed that I capitalized THE HALLWAY. That's because I'm referring to the hallway that I purchased to house my outfits and jewelry for this week's kick off. I explained that Robert was having his stomach pumped due to a skiing "accident." Well, this nimrod looked confused so I elaborated.

El Dotson went out to the bunny slopes today. After his blood pressure scare today he decided he would try to go the whole day without eating any sweets. Unfortunately, he became delusional and thought that the snow was twinkie cream filling or something. Next thing you know he starts eating all of the snow on the ground. I mean just gorging himself. I swear with Nokes as my witness I heard a tree whisper "gluttony." A child tried to hang himself at the site of this travesty. It was pretty horrific. The bunny slopes have been closed for the rest of the week since there isn't enough snow on them now. Dotson was rushed to the hospital where snow was pumped out.

After I explained what happened to Dotson I asked this employee for their health insurance card. I immediately ripped it up and told them that due to entering THE HALLWAY they no longer had health insurance for the rest of the year. Oh, don't forget team, we're going to be jogging in the rain tomorrow.

-Nokes Out!

2008 Kick Off Update #5

2008-01-29T11:03:00.000-08:00

El Dotson really, really, really, wants to do a presentation today. I of course want him to go back to Seattle faster than Hilary Clinton can conjure up a fake tear. I told him that he was welcome to talk to the masses today as long as his blood pressure was under control. Well we just finish measuring his blood pressure and the result was, I shit you not, "frosting over saturated fat." Now, The Nokes is no doctor but I'm pretty sure that's unhealthy. The machine doesn't know if it was checking a man's blood pressure or a pastry. So needless to say Dotson will not be speaking to the Nokesheads today. You're welcome.

-Nokes Out!

2008 Kick Off Update #4

2008-01-29T09:11:00.000-08:00

Morning Nokes-A-Holics. MY good friend Charles Barkley is pushing me to make an appearance at the 2008 Kick Off today. He wants to talk about faxing documents and how a misshaped head can help you succeed. However, I'll probably delay his appearance for until tomorrow. Today we're going to discuss the importance of properly blinging out your outfit as well as the importance of dressing for success. I'll also introduce the latest prototype for our new retail sales uniforms. Here's a preview. Be sure to let The Nokes know what you think. not that it matters:

-Nokes Out!

2008 Kick Off Update #3 (Random Thoughts From My Head)

2008-01-28T14:04:00.000-08:00

Some random thoughts beamed directly from The Nokes' brain to the blog:

"Who is this guy on stage? Why isn't he talking about The Nokes. He'd better hit the minimum two Nokes references quota in his presentation."

"Must... not... clench... fist"

"Remember to smile."

"I smell grease. Is that ho Oprah here?"

"What? Oh, Dotson's plane touched down. That explains the grease and increased humidity"

"Note to self, prepare the hot coals for Barry Glassman"

"Next year, no other presenters but The Nokes."

2008 Kick Off Update #2

2008-01-28T10:30:00.000-08:00

Here's a quick synopsis of my approach to the stage. I arrived to the center of the stage wearing a black velvet cape trimmed with diamonds. The cape is 40 feet long but never touches the ground do to the fear instilled into it by my glare. C3PO picked out a smashing business suit that was custom made out of actual chain-mail used during the Spanish Inquisition and rubies. It has a sort of metallic magenta look to it. I began by talking about some of our accomplishments from 2007 and some of our failures. I made sure to stare at the 4 ugliest people in the room whenever I discussed T-Mobile's failures. Hopefully that will make them even more insecure than they already must be and they'll just resign by the end of the day. We have to keep T-Mobile hot and sexy people. I then asked a few nonsensical questions to get the crowd ready to accept that I'm the smartest one in the room. Questions like, "If the Earth was flat, how thick would it be?" I then let our first speaker take the floor but not before I reminded everyone in the room that I, Sue Nokes, am the only person in the world who is half-woman, half-amazing.

-Nokes Out!

2008 Kick Off Update #1

2008-01-28T07:22:00.000-08:00

Morning Nokes-A-Holics. Already I've got three managers at the Kick Off that are on the "Walking Over Hot Coals" list. The first item on the morning's itinerary was "Do Not Make Eye Contact With The Nokes" followed by "Breakfast." Well, I waited outside the hotel rooms of 3 manager and intently stared at their door until they opened it. Wouldn't you know it, each one made eye contact. Not good people. I'll be taking to the stage shortly to pass on the wisdom that is Nokes. I hope everyone brought their laptop and insurance card with them like I asked.

-Nokes Out!

Over 8 Million in Phones Stolen

2008-01-26T10:42:00.000-08:00

You may have heard that 36,000 phones were recently stolen from our warehouse amounting to about 8 million in loses for T-Mobile. Much love to the faithful Nokes-A-Holic that sent me this link to the news story about it. The Nokes doesn't see what all the fuss is about. 8 million? That's nothing. I spend more than that a week on toilet paper alone. Granted, my toilet paper is made from a combination of the manuscripts of Jesus, Dead Sea Scrolls, chronicles from Atlantis, Dinosaur skin, and the diary of Shakespeare. Not only are these the finest and most expensive rare documents/forms of paper available but they are also just things I like to wipe my ass with. I of course don't create any actual waste since I am the world's only immaculate human being but you get my point. So don't worry about T-Mobile and the 8 million dollar loss. If anything I'll dock it from the warehouse employees' pay. Well, not their pay but their parents' Social Security checks. Can't have that employee satisfaction survey look bad.

-Nokes Out!

Another Reason Children Shouldn't Be Taught How To Write

2008-01-25T13:54:00.000-08:00

Ho bag numero uno, Kim Kardashian, just sent me this picture. See, this is why The Nokes is a big proponent of not teaching children how to write until they've had a chance to learn about the power and grace that is Sue Nokes. Not only did this child draw this anti-T-Mobile logo but apparently she also drew Hulk Hogan to the left of it pointing at it. Just look at the Fu Manchu mustache on that man, it must the Hulkster. Don't worry Nokesheads, I'm having this rectified immediately. I sent Carmela (pictured right), the woman that I've hired to shake hands and hug people for me, down to re-educate this child. I'm of course, having this sidewalk destroyed and the immediate area lined with Anthrax. Just in case.

-Nokes Out

2008 Kick Off In Denver Next Week

2008-01-25T10:31:00.000-08:00

Buenos Dias Nokes-A-Holics. Nokes here, getting ready for next week's 2008 kick off in Denver, Colorado. The weather next week is going to be perfect for some sneering. Monday we're looking at a low of 14 degrees and a high of 42. I will be providing blog updates on the kick off throughout the week. Remember this year's dress code policy regarding jackets and sweaters: If you wear a jacket or sweater you must wear shorts, sandals, and no socks.

So what does The Nokes have in store for you next week? Will my good friend Charles Barkley be there? What brilliant new ideas will I share with you? What will I be wearing? Don't worry, those questions will be answered soon enough my minions. I'm thinking about kicking off the meeting with a staring contest. First one to blink has to choose someone to be fired or walk over hot coals. I don't know just yet but I'll think of something fun. I stopped blinking a few years ago so best of luck to whoever faces The Nokes.

So get ready, we're going to be changing the world next week. Next week will forever be remembered in human history as the time that the world changed. All history from now on will be measured as pre-2008 kick off, or post 2008 kick off. I'll wear outfits you didn't even think were possible to manufacture, you'll feel a cold tingle down you spine when I glare at you, and you'll leave knowing that The Nokes is the brightest star in the sky. See, you don't have to wait for the Earth to rotate on a 47 degree axis so the stars can align to create an equinox in the sky so that you can see the Big Dipper. No, no. All you have to do is call Mama Nokes, the new Big Dipper.

-Nokes Out!

Mt. Nokesmore Disaster

2008-01-24T12:24:00.000-08:00

The Nokes is not a happy C.O.O. today. I just came from visiting the newly christened Mt. Nokesmore. Apparently the artist was who carved my face over Lincoln's was Stevie Wonder. Just look at this!

The only thing they did right was remove Lincoln (I couldn't have his "I freed the slaves thing" overshadowing The Nokes). Heads are going to roll whether they had something to do with this or not. So T-Mobile employees, as of this moment anyone with an even number of letters in their last name is on a disciplinary warning. The reason? The Nokes has 5 letters in her last name so anyone that doesn't have an odd number of letters in their last name is clearly not inline with our company goals. I expect all of you who are given warnings to contact the Social Security Administration to have your name changed ASAP.

P.S. I had my good friend Charles Barkley change the blog's layout to match T-Mobile's signature colors. Let The Nokes know via comment if you like it better this way or the other. Please only comment if you have an odd number of letters in your last name.

-Nokes Out!

Sprint-Tards Want Me To Be Their CEO

2008-01-24T08:57:00.000-08:00

Nokes here. I just received a link to a Sprint message board thread titled "Sue Nokes For CEO." Check out the link to the thread here. Money quote:

"Sprint's in the market for a new CEO and is also looking to fix its broken image, especially regarding customer service. How might they do that? Well, hiring Sue Nokes, the maverick executive who has led T-mobile's customer service to win top awards repeatedly for the last several years."

As if. Don't get The Nokes wrong. Everything he said is true. I, like Madonna, Ghandi, and Martin Luther King, as a maverick. I mean have you seen my outfits? Just 2 days ago C3PO and I picked out a smashing bright yellow, all leather, pajama set. The stitching is made from Hitler's mustache and Mussolini's eyebrows. You couldn't even use money to buy it. I paid for it with the broken dreams of a puppy. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get those? Or how expensive they are? I don't actually sleep though so I'll probably just put the pajama set on display at my moonbase or something. My point is if that isn't CEO material I don't know what is. I'm sorry but The Nokes would never leave T-Mobile to go down to the projects of the wireless industry. Here's another, less than positive quote:

"T-mobile execs are not data focused, they might not even know how to spell it, and sprint is purely data focused for the future. Their mindsets are not what the company is looking for."

The audacity! T-Mobile not data focused? We've got Edge! The fastest low-bandwith data delivery available for networks that have somehow failed to upgrade to 3G. But you're right, our mindset isn't what Sprint is looking for. You see, at T-Mobile we have this crazy mindset about good customer service, fair rate plans, Gucci sunglasses, and diamonds. Whereas Sprint, the whore of our industry, fills the room with the smell of wasted opportunity every time it opens it's mouth. Sorry, kids... The Nokes, my good friend Charles Barkley, Lil Kim, C3PO, and Kim Kardashian are all staying at the magenta fortress.

-Nokes Out

From Yesterday's Shopping Trip

2008-01-23T09:10:00.000-08:00

Nokes here. Just wanted to show you one of the new items I picked up on yesterday's shopping excursion. I bought 250 of these shift knobs, one for each car in my fleet. These will be kept in mint condition since as you know, I don't really drive but instead travel only by gold concord jet, underground tube, moonwalk, or oompa loompa carry. At a price tag 1.7 million a piece we may have to change up this year's Peak trip to cover the cost. I'm thinking instead of Hawaii we'll have our Peak winners go to Wyoming instead. I also bought one of these to be installed on top of Robert Dotson's head to make it easier for me to control him.

-Nokes Out!

About This Heath Ledger Thing

2008-01-23T06:05:00.000-08:00

I'm sure by now you've all heard about Heath Ledger's tragic and dissapointing death. Well Mama Nokes is going to make this right. I'm taking the Nokesjet to visit with Heath's parents this afternoon. I was going to have Dr. Phil do it but that didn't go so well last time. See, the real tragedy and dissapointment of Heath's death is the fact that his T-Mobile account is past due 33 days. The Nokes isn't going to let this stand. I'll be visiting with Heath's parents in Australia this afternoon to collect the balance in full, including the early termination fee. The Nokes takes payment in diamonds and tears. I have a feeling payment will be provided with the latter.

-Nokes Out!

Is Alltel Promoting Drug Use?

2008-01-22T13:40:00.000-08:00

Looks like Chad from Alltel has gotten everyone in Alltel's marketing department to start smoking those funny cigarretes with him. I mean, just look at this video of one of their billboards. They're just blatantly promoting the herb, the ganja, the wacky tabacky, the mary jane man. The only thing missing from this billboard is Cheech & Chong.

Lil Kim Is On The Case...

2008-01-22T11:00:00.000-08:00

Thanks for ruining my shopping day, "unsatisfied customer." I was just leaving a jewelry store on Melrose when I spotted this, this... abomination on all that is holy and Nokes. To think you actually wasted your time on this. To think that you thought you could make a difference. I told, nay, I warned Governor Arlnold about cars like this. I made it very clear that if he wished to remain the Governator he needed to be sure that all of these were garage kept anytime I visited California.

These damn PT Cruisers just make The Nokes' blood boil. They're just hideous cars. My blood got so hot that one of the Oompa Loompa's that was carrying me suffered 3rd degree burns. I assured him that if he kept practicing getting burned he could one day reach the top with 1st degree burns. What can I say? I'm a motivator. But back to this car. Who buys these hideous things? Look, the reason why I can't stand to look at these cars is because they look like Robert Dotson bent over onto his stomach while inexplicably holding four tires. It's fitting that this car was in Visitor Parking because it's my world and you, PT Cruiser owner, are just a visitor. I immediately diamoned the car which is just like keying a car except I only use the finest diamonds when I attack. But don't worry, I have Lil' Kim tracking down the owner of the vehicle. Oh, the Queen Bee will regulate.

-Nokes Out!

PS C3PO just informed me that he pointed this car out to me because it says that "T-Mobile Customer Service Sucks." After about 20 minutes I was able to see through my disgust and saw the hate crime he was talking about. Those letters are perfectly straight. What, did this guy use a level to align this message of hate? I just hope this car belongs to Chad from Alltel. We'll see who gets leveled in the end. Bwahahahaha!!

-Nokes Enraged!

Shopping Time!

2008-01-22T00:02:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since The Nokes went shopping with my Personal Assistant, C3PO. i would say it's been at least half a day. In honor of my head being added to Mt. Rushmore, C3PO and I really want to make tomorrow's shopping escapade special. So here's the deal-i-o. I've hired the original Oompa Loompas to carry me around Melrose Avenue while I shop. If they even let any of my toes touch the ground my good friend Charles Barkley will take one of them out with a basketball shot straight to the head. If we have to we'll do it all the way until there's only one carrying me. Only the best for The Nokes.

I've been eyeing a Chanel Bag to store my skin after my monthly shedding. It turns out that my skin makes for a clean and powerful fuel. We've been powering T-Mobile's headquarter's for the last 3 months with just the skin from my left hand... and I'm right handed! We'll also be stopping by the liquor store to pick up some Cristal for my laundry. I never actually wear anything more than once but sometimes it's good to remind people of just how rich and blingtastic I am by washing my clothes in Cristal and then burning them by using a piece of the original constitution as kindling. Even Bill Gates can't touch me. Hopefully I'll have an update on some more of the wonderful items I'll be purchasing tomorrow. Don't forget to sell, sell, sell, tomorrow. My Dinosaur bone staircase doesn't pay for itself you know. I'd hate to fire you and have your family relocated to Guantanamo Bay. I'm kidding... but seriously, don't force The Nokes' hand.

-Nokes Out!

The Nokes Is Back

2008-01-21T17:59:00.000-08:00

I just got back from my moonbase. I meant to come back in the morning but there were a few countries that I needed to scout from my moonbase. I'm looking at you Zaire. You know what you did. So how about that Dotson? Boy, he is really into food. Although I've never seen it, I always suspected that he had a margarine hot tub. I mean, why else would we be getting an order of 200 containers of "I can't believe it's not butter" twice a week. I should have expected as much. My little vacation was Nokestastic. I even had some time to secure a very, very, exciting new deal for our customers. Beginning next month our customers will see a new $5.99 fee on their bill called "Nokesmore." This exciting new fee will help to pay to have my perfectly symmetrical face added to Mount Rushmore. I think we're going to take George Washington and move him to the end of the row. Or around to the other side of the mountain if there isn't enough room. The Nokes doesn't care. Construction begins tomorrow. I'll have apic of Mt. Nokesmore up as soon as it's complete.

-Nokes Out

The Nokes Will Be Back Blogging Tomorrow

2008-01-20T17:54:00.001-08:00

I couldn't take it anymore. Ever since I let Dotson guest blog all I read about on my celestial page is about food. This must come to an end. I explained that my blog is a huge honor for him and that he should video tape himself typing his first one. I also advised him to tape over his first child's birth since his first blog would officially become the most important and happiest day of his life. Did he do any of what I kindly demanded? No. Of course not. Well my blog can't be about your next sugar rush so The Nokes is coming back from my break early. I'll be departing my moonbase sometime in the morning. Oh, and I brought back a souvenir for everyone: my anger.

-Nokes Out!

My Heroes

2008-01-20T17:37:00.000-08:00

Robert Dotson here. I want to thank everyone for their support as interim blogger here. The cake they got me at the office was fantastic. Although, next time you can leave the cake part back at the baker. Just the frosting would be great. I was just about to have my bedtime glass of warm gravy and figured that I'd give you an opportunity to learn a little more about me. So here's a short survey:

Personal:
One of your heroes that you know personally?	Cookie Monster
why is he/she your hero?	He's the first one I've ever seen that has made a living out of eating cookies. This guy is amazing
when did you meet this person?	15 years ago
how did you meet this person?	I met him at the National Gluttons Of America Conference
Other Hero
Whos your #1 hero?	Sue Nokes
why are they your hero?	Sue made it very clear that for the sake of my health, job, and continued rotation of the earth on it's axis I had best come to realize that she is my hero.
how did you meet/find out about them?	Sue actually won't let me know. She had C3PO do something to me and now I can't remember how we even met
Top 5 Heroes
1	Sue Nokes
2	Cookie Monster
3	Chris Farley
4	John Candy
5	Ted Kennedy's liver

This Charles Barkely Guy...

2008-01-18T08:05:00.000-08:00

Robert Dotson here. So I arrive to work this morning and pick up my usual box of krispie kreeme donuts for breakfast. Everything's going just peachy and then suddenly BAM! I get a basketball slammed into my face. BAM! Again! It's Charles Barkley. He keeps asking me if I got his "dokiments."

Robert: You're what?

Charles: u git mah fax of dokiments?

Robert: I don't know what... (BAM!)

Charles: basketball!!!

Robert: OoOoOoww...

Charles: yeeeah booooy!

This went on for 10 minutes. I was going to have him kicked out but he's on the board of directors! Must be Nokes' handy work. I'm going to go take a dip in my margarine hot tub to see if these welts will go down. Sheesh!

Hotspot @ Home Is A Hit!

2008-01-17T11:53:00.000-08:00

Robert Dotson here, still filling in for Sue this week. Or "The Nokes" as she refers to herself sometimes. I just got some preliminary numbers back on Hotspot @ home and I must say it's quite the hit. After the fiasco with the FCC earlier today (the one that forced me to eat a gallon of Rocky Road because it made me so sad) I really needed something to cheer me up. So how well does the actual product work? Perfectly! Just take a look at this picture of my secretary using Hotspot @ Home to call a customer back. I think we can all rest assured that he heard and understood every delightful word that came out of her mouth. I'm sure his issue regarding his battery exploding and the acid from it landing in his grandmother's contact lens solution got cleared up expeditiously. I'm off to the grocery store. Gotta pick up a gallon of Rocky Road ice cream to reward myself for Hotspot @ Home's performance.

-The Dotson

The FCC Meeting

2008-01-17T09:02:00.000-08:00

Hello Dotsonites. Bad news for me today. The FCC meeting didn't go so well. Sure, the Sun Comm deal is pretty much a done deal but there's an upcoming spectrum auction and i came up with some really, really, cool ideas with what to do with it. But those bullies in the FCC put a kibosh on my ideas. This isn't fair. Nokes always gets what she wants from the FCC. Nokes, Nokes, Nokes! Anyway, I wanted to use some of the spectrum to send out automatic updates for whenever Krispy Kreme Donuts turns on their "Hot Donuts" sign. I even had the perfect name for it: Cream Alerts.

I guess they thought that the name could be taken to mean something else. I don't know what they're talking about but they also just thought it was a dumb idea. I started arguing with them about it but then one of them threw a Snickers out the room so I went after it on instinct. When I turned around they had already locked the door behind me, and ironically, were snickering at me! To make matters worse the Snickers didn't even satisfy my hunger. Now I'm sitting in my office eating a gallon of Rocky Road because I'm so sad. Woes me.

- :..(

Robert Dotson Here - My 1st Blog!

2008-01-16T10:00:00.000-08:00

Man, oh man! I'm so excited to be Sue's guest blogger. Such a great, great, lady. Funny too. Like the time when she gave me a box of gum filled with baby teeth instead of Chiklets and I spent all day chewing them. You should have seen me. Trying to blow bubbles all day long. I was wondering why they tasted like Gerber baby food but hey, as long as it tastes good right? Sue spent some time with me this morning explaining what a blog and the internet is. It all sounds very neat. My friend cookie monster isn't going to believe this. Anyway, please pardon any spelling errors. My keyboard is full of dried chocolate grease. It's weird, sometime the keys are slippery and sometimes they stick. Worst of all I don't have a backspace key anymore. Someone left some vanilla filling on it and I mistook it for a minature twinkie. Oops! Gotta run guys. Not like physically run of course, just figuratively speaking. I have a big meeting with the head of the FCC today. I'll let you know how it turns out. Hopefully it'll go well and I'll be able to reward myself with a new pair of argyle socks.

-The Dotson

Heads Are Going To Roll...

2008-01-15T14:08:00.000-08:00

I don't know who did it, I don't know how it happened. But somehow my X-Rays got out. Just look at this! Between Oprah, the Sidekick bathroom idiot, Fantasia's Sidekick escapades, Sue's Book Of Secrets fiasco, and now my X-Rays getting out I think The Nokes is due for a break. Preferably in the neck of whoever posted this pic. I'm kidding, but seriously... their neck. The Nokes is retreating to her moonbase for a week or so to recharge the batteries. But don't worry, the blog isn't going to be taking a break at all. I've decided to have Robert Dotson guest blog for me while I'm gone. Expect Robert's first post tomorrow morning or early afternoon. Depends how long it takes for him to get his hand out of the cookie jar. Tell all of your friends about it. Oh, and yes, someone will be terminated.

-I'll be baaack!

Ugh, Now Fantasia Is Ruining Sidekicks!

2008-01-15T07:14:00.000-08:00

I had just wrapped up my dinner with my good friend Charles Barkley, Lil Kim, Kim Kardashian, Jesus, Dr. Phil, and of course C3PO when I received horrific news regarding the momentum we've been losing with Sidekick sales. The Nokes originally attributed the sales problem was due to us having to recall Motorola's version, The Sidekick Slide. By the way, thanks a lot Moto-Jerks. Momma Sue hasn't forgotten... Momma Sue never forgets. Well, it turns out that the sluggish sales had nothing to do with the Slide. Instead, there's a much bigger and disgusting problem: Fantasia. Yes, the same one who won American Idol a couple of years ago. This celebutard had been snapping up pictures pictures of herself in her underwear with her Sidekick 3. Look at exhibit "A."

Nokes Almighty! Did she have to stick out her tounge? Was tat necessary Fantasia? Maybe it's just stuck in the gap in her teeth. Ugh. I mean, we knew that she wasn't going to be texting or using IM when she bought it. It's not like reading is her strong suite, just look at this story about her reading ability or lack there of. But we never, ever, expected this. This has been on the internet since April. I've had engineering purge all Fantasia's pictures from our servers and when I say purge I mean purge. We've incinerated the computers they were stored on, placed a curse on the ashes, and launched the remains into the sun... the Krypton sun. The Nokes is barring Fantasia from ever owning a picture capable phone again. Ever. In fact below is a picture of the only phone Fantasia will ever be allowed to use on our network.

You just try to step out of line Fantasia and this kid will yell that you're beating him in a crowd and immediately begin to beat his torso until he's dialed my direct line. I'll erase you from pop culture if I have to, just like Catherine Zeta-Jones.

-Nokes Out!

PS Thanks for ruining my 50th blog. Now go learn how to read.

Scientology, Me, & Tommy Cruise

2008-01-14T10:44:00.000-08:00

Let me preface this by saying that I am not a Scientologist. But man, do I love going to their meetings. Tommy Cruise and I just came back from a meeting in their dungeon, I mean headquarters down in FL. We were running late (well, Tom was running late. I'm always right on time but sometimes other people are early.) so we took one of my underground Nokes-tubes. I just had these remodeled with crown molding made from real crowns of deceased kings.

The meeting itself was fantastic. Everyone was talking about how great they think they are and how awesome it is to be your own demi-god. Ok, whatever. Then they proceeded to pray to Tom Cruise and I. We babbled something to them we heard on Star Trek and they ate it up as new gospel. Tom and I just love the attention. We told them that L. Ron Hubbard sent us a message from beyond that they needed to bring Tom and I and albino white tiger. Good luck with that. Well, I of course already have one but Tom wants one now. Oh by the way, Tom doesn't believe any of this crap, he just loves the attention. Says it makes him feel tall. He tells me that Katie Holmes is a nut though. She keeps wanting to visit Dawson's Creek. She has no idea it isn't real.

-Nokes Out!

PS The next blog will actually be my 50th post. I'm thinking about doing something special for it. Like firing everyone at T-Mobile. Hahahaha. I'm just kidding. But seriously.

Big Dinner Tonight

2008-01-14T05:20:00.000-08:00

Morning Nokes-A-Holics. Big day today for The Nokes and her posse tonight. Tonight I'm holding my annual dinner with my closest friends and confidants. My good friends Charles Barkley, Lil Kim, Kim Kardashian, Jesus, Dr. Phil, and of course C3PO will all be there. I may even invite that ho Oprah so that we can patch things up. I've rented out a restaurant called... well, I'm not going to tell you what it's called since we want to make sure no one else shows up. Let's just say that it's very exclusive. Oh, and don't think you can just look for an empty restaurant to find it. The Nokes is too smart for that. This is why I've filled the restaurant with the animatronic historical figures used on that Disney ride about the US.

One last thing, even if you figure out what restaurant it is you'd best keep your distance. For I've had the local authorities make it illegal for anyone to even look at the restaurant unless you have an invitation. You'll be arrested on the spot. It'll be like a scene right our of that show "To Catch A Predator." As with other laws, this one doesn't apply to The Nokes since I was declared a sovereign nation by President Ronald Reagan years ago.

-Nokes Out!

A Scene From One Of My Favorite Nazi Comedies

2008-01-12T14:06:00.000-08:00

A scene from one of my favorite comedies, "A Friendship In Vienna." Before you ask, I'm pretty sure that is not El Dotson at the end of the video. I don't for sure. I never watch the credits of any movie since the only one that should ever get credit for anything is The Nokes. Enjoy!

"Vienna, Austria, 1938. The daughter of a Nazi officer sympathizes with her Jewish friend and is punished for it."

An idiot, His Bathroom, & His Sidekick Dilemma

2008-01-10T12:25:00.000-08:00

So this moron just sold his Sidekick 3 and is looking to get a new Sidekick. So as if though anyone in the world would care, he posted a video on Youtube asking people to help him decide between the sidekick Slide or LX. He uses such eloquent phrases as "I hear the Slide is what and LX is poppin" Why does he keep looking around nervously? Is he afraid the Bathroom Goblin is going to come and rape him? Nokes Almighty!

The Nokes cannot and will not have an idiot of this magnitude on her network. I've ordered engineering to detonate his Sidekick the next time he goes to make a call. Oh and for those in Sales, do not under any circumstances sell anything to this man. In fact, feel free to unleash your store's tiger on him for a mauling.

About This Dr. Phil Thing

2008-01-09T08:21:00.000-08:00

As many of you have heard or read there's a big uproar over Dr. Phil and his visit to Britney's hospital room and his subsequent plans to have a show about her this week. The mental health community really has their collective panties in a bunch over this one. Let me explain how The Nokes factors in here.

You see, I don't have a whole lot of emotional range. Mostly I only feel anger, disdain and wealth. Yes, wealth is an emotion for The Nokes. Sometimes I feel all three of these at the same time which is a super-emotion dubbed by doctors as "feeling Nokes." At first, I thought that not having more feelings was a fault, an area of opportunity. So I set out to do something about it.

One day, I gathered up some clay, mixed it with water, and molded it into my own image. I then breathed into my clay man sculpture and it became alive. It became Dr. Phil. See, I created Dr. Phil to help teach me all about the full range of human emotions. I then realized how truly lame those other emotions, such as love, truly are. He did teach me just how to deal with people that are emotionally distressed: you yell and belittle them. Like mother, like son I guess. The only problem is that he is also a loud mouthed redneck. I mean, this guy doesn't shut up. Oprah was having a birthday party and that Ho always wants unique gifts. So I wrapped him up, put him in a box, and gave him to her. The rest is history. You're welcome Brit.

-Nokes Out!

Teaching A Lesson...

2008-01-07T11:28:00.000-08:00

Nokes here, live from the Nokescave located 1 mile beneath T-Mobile headquarters. I finally had enough. The Nokes' hand was forced to teach T-Mobile's Chief People Officer, Manny Sousa, a lesson. By the way, Chief People Officer must be the weakest sounding executive position of all time. It sounds like the man is in charge of maintaining law and order in Fisher-Price town or something.

So why Manny? Frankly, The Nokes is tired of this smug bastard walking around T-Mobile like he's the reason for our employee satisfaction and employee retention rates. Where were you while I was busy creating Do More Get More, raising salaries, and implementing monthly incentives? Or where were you when The Nokes came up with the brilliant idea of having all Sr. Managers sign their souls over to me upon their promotion? Why do you think they never, and The Nokes means never, quit? Oh, that's right. You were stuffing burritos over at El Taco. Couldn't even cut it at Taco Bell so you had to go work for a knockoff. Sad Manny. Another thing, nobody thinks that its funny when you say "that's Sousariffic!" Nobody. Your mother constantly calls Dotson to complain about it. Knock it off.

Last night I had Lil Kim pay Manny a visit. I had her pull off all of his toenails and fingernails so that she could replace them with mirrors. Just as I suspected, he came in today barefoot and has been staring at his hands and feet all day. I scheduled a meeting for Manny with the heads of our German parent company Deutsch Telekom. I can't wait to see what these homophobic and racists Nazis think about a smug spanish man with mirrors for nails. You and Catherine Zeta-Jones will soon be sharing a room. Bwahahahaha!!!!

-Nokes Out!

Sue, Barkley, & Your Quarterly Bonus

2008-01-07T11:00:00.000-08:00

My good friend Charles Barkley has been calling me all week, leaving unintelligible message after unintelligible message. Turns out he wants The Nokes to teach him how to pronounce words. I really should just do it but I told him he'd have to work for it. So I challenged Charles to a game of basketball. If Charles wins I teach him how to pronounce words. If The Nokes wins I get to do a Mysapce-style survey about myself and pass it off as the company's 4th quarter bonus. Good news employees! After 2:31 seconds of utter domination the final score was Nokes 21, Charles 0. Momma Nokes with the shutout! Enjoy your bonus:

What would you do if?
The President of the United States called you:	Normally the Nokes sends him straight to voicemail.
You won the lottery:	What's a "lottery?"

You caught a friend stealing from you:	Let's just say that the words "Lil Kim" and "regulate" would be used
You witnessed a murder:	Get some popcorn
A random stranger offered you candy:	They better be rubies. Everyone knows that the only candy The Nokes eats is rubies

You found 10 dollars on the ground:	I would buy the sidewalk and then have it destroyed for wasting my time for a measly 10 dollars.

Someone cut off a chunk of your hair:	How about what my hair would do. My hair is made out of porcupine like needles

Sue's Book Of Secrets

2008-01-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

Maybe some of you have seen Nicholas Cage's new abomination: National Treasure, Book Of Secrets. Let The Nokes sum up the movie for you: Nicholas Cage wears a hairpiece and as usual, displays the acting chops of a rolled up piece of paper. You may be wondering why I'm even wasting my multi-million dollar time talking about this. Well, in the movie Cage obtains a book called "The Secret Book Of The Presidents." It's supposed to contain all of the nation's secrets and each President hands it down to the next. This is obviously based on my "The Secret Book Of The Nokes." Whoever let this information out will curse the day they heard the name Nokes.

There are some major differences. First of all, my book is bound by a lock that can only be opened with the Nazi Spear Of Destiny. Second, each page is written in woolly mammoth blood. Do you any idea how hard it is to get woolly mammoth blood? No, of course not. I'll tell you this much, it's a lot harder to get than Do More Get More points. The most important difference is that my book contains the secrets of the entire universe. Secrets that would blow your mind. Secrets like, "how does Sue Nokes never sleep or blink?" "Why magenta?" And so on. Why am I telling you this? Because The Nokes will not be shown up by a movie. Especially a Nicholas Cage movie. Any T-Mobile employee that goes to see this movie will be written up and forced to use a Nokia 3390.

Inspiration From Sue To You

2008-01-03T17:17:00.000-08:00

Evening Nokes-a-holics. Nokes here to deliver an inspirational message to you for 2008. Inspiration can come from anywhere. Today, we're going to talk about having that killer instinct in 2008. A killer instinct strong enough to allow us to not only beat our competition, but to also buy their company and make their employees our personal pets. Today we're going to talk about the 12/28 tiger attack at the San Diego Zoo. For the three of you that haven't heard about this inspirational mauling you can click here to read all about it.

On 12/28 a 350lb. Siberian Tiger escaped from it's holding area by climbing a 12 1/2 ft. wall. After years of being taunted by park visitors this tiger unleashed it's killer instinct by mauling one park visitor to death and leaving his two friends alive but severely injured. Amazing. This tiger was smart enough to know that sometimes you have to leave some of the competition just barely hanging on in order to let others know about your power. Word of mouth is a powerful marketing tool my friends. Well, we're not really friends but you know what The Nokes means. So how does this apply to T-Mobile in 2008? I want 2008 to be the year of killer instinct for us. Don't just let a customer walk out of the store without signing up for service. You leap over their 12 ft. wall of questions and doubt and maul them until they have signed up for a 2 year Myfaves program! Figuratively speaking of course.

Now, let The Nokes make something clear: I nor T-Mobile advocate for our employees to literally maul our potential customers. Frankly, we just don't have the time to train everyone in the company on proper mauling. That is why each T-Mobile store will be provided with a Tiger. Do not attempt to domesticate these tigers in anyway. They are from my personal collection. They are to be fed a strict diet of Hot Sauce and salt water. This will keep their killer instinct alive. You will also find that they will be leashed and collared with a generous 50 foot leash so they can access the entire store. This will help keep your killer instinct alive. Happy New Year!

-Nokes Out!

My Moonbase Is Almost Complete

2008-01-02T05:31:00.000-08:00

Here's the latest picture of my moonbase from Google Earth. I'm thinking about making this my permanent base of operations once it's fully operational. Barkley ad I even tossed around having it take over as the new corporate office for my T-Mobile Empire. We'll see. Aside from my usual comforts (baby giraffe skin lampshades, panda eyeball door knobs, etc.) this moonbase base has a secret system designed to help The Nokes deal with the recent increase in employees who are rebelling against the T-Mobile Empire. What's worse is that these employees seem to be building a community of some sort. I find your lack of faith in The Nokes disturbing. Soon your little "Rebel Alliance" will be crushed. It's just like I told Dotson when I called him about being last on his Myfaves, "The circle is complete. When I left you I was but a learner, now I am the master!"

He tried to convince me that nobody was first or last. He said that because it's a circle there's no beginning or end. Ok, Aristotle. Well The Nokes knows the beginning and end of all circles. You don't know the power of The Nokes!

The Reason For All The Changes...

2007-12-31T06:00:00.000-08:00

Nokes here. Ready to impart knowledge, wisdom, and perspicuity (look it up). Some of you have been lamenting over changes in commission structure, budget cuts, and restructuring of retail. I fact, some of you have even done so on here. The audacity! I allowed it to go on because I knew that once I showed what that money was being used for you would be so happy and excited for The Nokes that you would feel as if though you had betrayed your own mother... and maybe in a way you have. Now, before you collectively take a dive onto your Samurai swords take a moment to check out Mama Nokes' new rims!

Doesn't knowing that The Nokes will be rolling on these 22 inch Dubs and 110,000 carets make those sacrifices more than worth it? It's more like I did you a favor. Well, I won't be actually driving these anywhere since I only travel by Gold Concord Jet, an intricate system of worldwide tubes, floating, or the occasional moonwalk. But they' do look bling-tastic on my fleet of cars I never drive. Happy New Year!

-Nokes Out

P.S. We may put one of these on the Do More Get More catalog. Just 2.5 million points to get one. One.

It's About Time... Literally

2007-12-29T05:40:00.000-08:00

Father Time finally came to his senses. He’s agreed with some coaxing, or should I say Nokesing, to get rid of those ridiculous b.c. and a.d. initials after years in history. Who really even knows what they mean?? Come on, b.c.?? Supposedly the “b” stands for “before” and the “c” is some nobody. From now on there will be b.n. and a.n. Simply put, all history books will be rewritten so everyone will know if it was Before Nokes or After Nokes. The year to differentiate the two is still being worked out since no one quite knows when I came into existence. I guess historians and archaeologists are all pissed off at me now, but I don’t really care. What I am doing is helping the rest of humanity gain more clarity in their lives. Too bad loads of documents will have to be rewritten but, hey, job security right?

On a different note you may have noticed that my MySpace account is no longer in existence. Well, it got canceled by some idiot who obviously doesn’t know the power of The Nokes. Supposedly there is a similar site out there called Facebook. I like the sound of it better because it reminds me of my taxidermy book of faces. Mostly they are faces of enemies. I had it bound and wrapped in Mother Teresa’s sari.

- Nokes Out!

Dotson's Myfaves

2007-12-28T14:39:00.000-08:00

I finally accomplished my final goal for 2007: Robert Dotson's Myfaves! My sources in engineering assure me that this screenshot is 100% accurate. Free fake bag of diamonds is on it's way to you gentlemen. So let's begin, clockwise:

1 - Cookie Monster: No surprise here. Robbie and Cookie Monster go way back. Not only do they follow almost the exact same diet, they also both have big furry hands.

2 - 911: At first The Nokes thought that this was odd. But C3PO made a really good point: going on 30 day cookie eating binges with Cookie Monster probably isn't very good for your heart. I said it before, Rob's a smart guy. Always prepared.

3 - Stay Puft Marshmallow Man: You might remember him from the Ghostbusters Movies as the 112 ft living, giant... marshmallow. It's a good thing when someone's hero becomes their friend.

4 - Paris Hilton: The Nokes doesn't even want to know what she's doing here. I'm going to tell myself that they just get together on Saturdays to bejewel their Sidekicks. Yes, that's it.

5 - Sue Nokes: Wait, The Nokes is last? Last!? This is not going to work for The Nokes at all. Expect a call Dotson. An unpleasant one.

Thanks For The Baby Teeth, Your Statehood Is Safe Kansas

2007-12-27T17:02:00.000-08:00

Kansas, Kansas, Kansas. I was only kidding about sending me baby teeth as penance. What exactly am I to do with this 64oz. bag of baby teeth that was delivered to me today? Don't get me wrong, The Nokes appreciates your devotion but please think things through first. It is Kansas so I suppose these would have fallen out sooner or later.

My good friend Charles Barkley and I did find a use for some of the teeth. First, I called a big meeting today so that my Devotees (new title for all of my direct reports) could give The Nokes a progress report on "T-Reality." I had the usual engraved granite invitations I use for all of my meetings sent out this afternoon. I bet they were sweating up a storm when they saw them. See, the catch is that there's no such thing as "T-Reality." It's just a little something The Nokes made up to keep the team on their toes. It's just like the time I based their bonuses on staring contests with me. Little did they know that I don't just not sleep, I also don't blink. Ever.

Barkley's head almost exploded from trying to contain his laughter during the meeting. For Nokessake, someone actually made a Powerpoint about T-Reality and another Devotee brought in that immoral girl from The Real World Vegas, Trishelle. This was all fine and good but the whole point of the meeting was to offer El Dotson a box of Chicklets Gum. Only that I had the Chicklets replaced with pure Kansas Baby Teeth. The "boss" spent the entire day chewing teeth and holding his jaw. To add insult to injury Lil Kim was staring at Dotson while popping bubbles with real Chicklets gum the entire 4 hour meeting. Priceless.

-Nokes Out!

The Kansas Trip Is Off

2007-12-26T10:53:00.000-08:00

I had quite the tour planned for Kansas. I was going to hit all of our call centers there as well as all direct and indirect dealers. The trip was going to be capped off with the donation of a pair of one of my signature glasses to a museum of art and a lock of my hair to be put on display at our Wichita center. The Nokes was just about to touch down in Wichita, KS but I noticed something that demanded the plane be turned around: cows.

I don't personally have a problem with cows. The issue at hand is that I made it clear to the state of Kansas that all cows were to be removed from the stat 5 days prior to my arrival. Why isn't important, only that it wasn't done. The pilot started blabbing about the FAA and that we need to register a flightplan with them. Blah, blah, blah. I knocked him out with some ether and flew the plane back to the Nokescave myself. What an unprofessional. Oh, and Kansas, if you ever try to pull a stunt like this again I will have your statehood revoked and have you replaced with Puerto Rico. But for now all I'l demand as penance is a tooth from every child born there this year.

-Nokes Out!

Dom Vito's Daughter Responds To Idiot Below

2007-12-24T11:24:00.000-08:00

Sigh. Look at this. I know it's hard but that's a direct order. Dom Vito's long-lost daughter responded to the idiot that originally complained about not getting his Sidekick on the release date. First thing The Nokes noticed is that she really needs two cameras to properly shoot this. Why? Because she is directly facing the camera but only one eye is looking at me. Frankly, even that is one eye too many. First she starts off by gushing about how much she wants a Sidekick but then starts bitching about T-Mobile. Those opinions are as far apart from each other as her eyes. Have a bucket ready as she wraps up her nonsensical rant with, "Ugh, I think I'm going to need a bubblebath." Yes, please take one: in acid.

I'm off to visit Marketing. We need to get a special section added in the next Splash Magazine listing people who are not allowed to apply for service. Two guesses who's taking spot one and dos.

P.S. Nice WWE poster in the background. Maybe John Cena can dropkick your eyes straight for you.

-Nokes Out!

Idiot Complains About T-Mobile On Youtube

2007-12-20T19:51:00.000-08:00

Much love to the blog reader that sent over this vid. Free bag of Fake Sue Diamonds is on it's way to you. Not only did this sap make a video complaining about not being able to get a Sidekick LX, he also went all artsy complete with crappy Windows Movie Maker "special" effects and some cheesy piano music from his personal Celine Dion instrumentals collection. If that wasn't bad enough, this half-man half-cholesterol atrocity had the audacity to film himself in his bathtub. The Nokes almost threw up her Giraffe veal dinner. This meatbag was upset because he couldn't get his precious Sidekick LX on the release date even though the

store had it in stock.

Money quote: "The Sidekick LX is the latest Sidekick to join the line of Sidekicks, which started with the original"

Yes, funny how most things start with the original.

Let The Nokes break it down for you. The store rep denied you a Sidekick because we don't want you to have one. The Sidekick LX (much like The Nokes) is for the cool and hip. Maybe you were confused and thought it was for fools with big hips. If you're not convinced he doesn't deserve a Sidekick LX feel free to fast forward the video to the 4:23 mark. Just watch Doughboy's face light up as he starts talking about the new World Of Warcraft character he created. The character's name is VonSexi. Unbelievable.

Listen here nerd, not only will you never ever be allowed to purchase a Sidekick but I'm having your T-Mobile account terminated immediately. Don't pay the bill. The Nokes doesn't even want to be associated with your money. Oh, and should you even try to borrow a friend's Sidekick, I swear with God as my witness, The Nokes will have you skinned and wear you as a coat.

-Nokes Out

Bennigans & The Spears Family

2007-12-19T10:00:00.000-08:00

While visiting a call center today I offered to take the management team there to out to lunch. Their choice of restaurant. Now I didn't actually want to sit down to eat with these people (I usually just eat one large meal a month) but there's no better way to make a group of managers uncomfortable than by confronting them at a sit down restaurant. Try it out sometime. The problem is that they chose some place called Bennigan's.

The first thing I noticed is that the customary rose petals that other centers throw anywhere I step were nowhere to be found. Bad move Kansas. Then I noticed that there is crap all over the walls. A sleigh, a bucket, a marionette? Who the hell decorated this place? Robert Dotson. The Nokes is kiddding, but seriously, did he? I soon realized that this "establishment" is Irish. I assumed that meant we'd all have to eat a bowl of raw potatoes. Instead I ended up with something called a Monte Cristo. It tasted like a bland potato. Actually, I've never had a potato but I'm sure they taste like Monte Cristos. Thankfully I brought my crushed diamond seasoning and platinum utensils.

Eventually I had Kim Kardashian pick me up in the Sue Copter. I'm off to go talk to Britney Spears' little sister . Oh, you didn't hear? She's 16 and pregnant. I'm going to go slap the white trash right out of that family.

-Nokes Out!

C3PO Tries To Make Amends

2007-12-18T11:14:00.000-08:00

C3PO got me a little present today. It looks like he's trying to make up for that one hour of my memory that's missing. The Nokes is still not happy about the missing time but this is a start. C3PO got me a pair of gorilla skin mittens. At first I didn't see what was so special about them until C3PO explained that these were made from Koko, the gorilla that uses sign language. Very rare. Only the best for The Nokes. I don't know how he got these but they're fantastic. They're still warm and moist. A matching Koko gorilla skin business suit would've been the icing on the cake. Maybe I'll have something put together for my moonbase. It'll be my Suebaca suit.

Alltel's "Incentive Plan"

2007-12-16T20:10:00.001-08:00

I was just finishing up my monthly skin-shedding when I received this video of Alltel's incentive plan for 2007. An Alltel store (or screwshacks as Lil Kim calls them) hit some kind of one day sales record, which for them, probably means they activated a family account with 3 lines on it. So what does Alltel do to reward their employees' hard work? A bonus? Gift cards? Catered lunch? A trip? None of the above. Instead they got to see their loser manager ride his daughter's pink pony stick a block and back. Way to motivate your employees. I'm sure that news of the manager that rode a pink stick to climax will spread like wildfire throughout Alltel, inspiring productivity to levels previously only seen at the DMV. Just look at this pervert's face. He loves riding this stick. Oh yes Alltel, you're coming for our spot. We're really scared. The Nokes is shaking in her $58,000 house slippers. Even Dotson is sweating over here. There is just gravy everywhere. The Nokes will destroy you fools... destroy you.

PS - Who is still giving their children pony sticks? A Kendo stick, that The Nokes can understand. But a pony stick?

-Nokes Out!

Lost Time

2007-12-15T05:21:00.000-08:00

I had to punish C3P0 today. The Nokes is a busy person and, because of this, I don’t have time to remember all things in my life. Instead, I have all my memories stored for later review. I normally only review them to catch mistakes. Of course, only the mistakes made by other people so I can be sure to get with C3PO and schedule a revenge session. Unfortunately I can’t go into how my memories are stored since it would void the contract I made with a certain someone and I’d like to keep all three of my souls until a really good deal comes along (immortality will cost at least two of them I’m thinking).

I digress. Upon reviewing my memories from last week’s flood fiasco I discovered a lapse. It boils down to one hour of lost time. Since I’m always awake, it’s hard for me to believe this has happened.

Well, C3P0’s punishment will consist of keeping him from his weekly oil and lube by Dotson. The problem is, Dotson’s going to be pretty disappointed.

- Nokes Out

This Guy Thinks T-Mobile Eats Babies

2007-12-14T18:41:00.000-08:00

Do you know Adam from Clemson, South Carolina? Me either. This nobody wrote a blog titled, "T-Mobile Eats Babies." This sub-normal's blog can be found here. Apparently comes up with eye-catching titles almost as quickly as he disappoints you. First sentence of this blog:

"Not really, but they have succeeded in making my trip to Albuquerque a real pain."

Way to turn away the "baby eating article enthusiasts." Unless I'm interested in your trip to Albuquerque (and no one is) the only other reason to read this article is to see just how a corporate entity eats babies. Adam. Sigh. Adam. Sigh. Everytime I hear that name now The Nokes just wants to sigh. Adam's complaint is that there weren't enough Hotspots for him in Albuquerque. He claims that there were only two. His profile says that he works at a brewery, so to be fair, there's a good chance he was drunk in his basement and imagines this whole trip. I quote:

"They only "provided" internet at two places I visited, but spent a substantial amount of time at."

Hey Adam, next time send us your itinerary and we'll build you a Hotspot every ten steps you take. Or better yet, why don't you try one of the other 30 locations The Nokes picked for Hotspots. Here are some maps to help. The red circles are the Hotspots, hotshot. I've already sent my good friend Charles Barkley to throw a basketball at his face.

Charles Barkley Called...

2007-12-12T17:13:00.000-08:00

My good friend Charles Barkley called. He interrupted my nightly crushed diamond smoothie! I think he may have been drunk. Actually, I hope he was. The Nokes couldn't understand a word he was saying and I'm fluent in 82 languages including Kilngon and Binary. I finally told him to just send me an e-mail. Here's what it said:

"Sooo, I enjoy slam dunkin and receiving impotint bucket dickumints. Where Charlie Bucketfax, and his brother Julius? I shed world vision on bucket faxers."

Turns out Barkley was eating some brownies with Dave Grohl while reminiscing about old times. He even sent me this video:

Location, location, location

2007-12-11T18:03:00.000-08:00

Now, the world knows that The Nokes is not one that follows trends. That’s right. She creates them. But I must admit there is one trend out there that The Nokes doesn’t mind following.

Outsourcing.

I’ve made some resolutions for the new year and one of them is to open T-Mobile customer service centers in some exotic locations. So far I’ve come across one country that fits all of my requirements.

Cuba.

Recently, Fidel Castro and I finally made up after years of not speaking. When I told him it was over between us back in ’62 he threatened to destroy his plans to build me a shrine made out of nuclear missiles. He stupidly left the missiles out in the open and when the United States got pictures of them from planes flying overhead they flipped out! It became known as The Cuban Missile Crisis but the only crisis I know of was Fidel sleeping alone.

Well, after years of hatred toward America, because of our capitalist ideals, Fidel is considering going the call center route. Of course, I have to deal with all the red tape between the two countries. Details, details. I’ll keep you updated on other prospective countries as I travel the globe and space.

P.S. I smoke a mean Cuban cigar. Just ask Fidel.

- The Nokes

My Dinosaur Bone Stairs

2007-12-11T10:44:00.000-08:00

I am not a happy Nokes right now. The stairs that lead down to my subterranean cave/office underneath T-Mobile headquarters did not receive their daily maintenence. The steps are made out of 100% dinosaur bone and are replaced with brand new, freshly-sanded bones everyday day. I mean everyday. Even when I'm out of town or checking up on my moonbase construction progress. New dinosaur bones for my steps. It's in my contract for Nokessake! Well, I came in today and could obviously tell that these were the same tricerotops bones-filled steps from yesterday. The audacity. It's T-Rex Tuesday. I called my good friend Charles Barkley. He suspects that Dotson's been reading the blog and found out about us toilet papering his house so he kept my steps from being re-boned today as a way to get back at The Nokes.

I think he's right. The Nokes is taking the rest of the day off and going shopping with C3PO. Good luck running the company El Dotso! Hopefully he won't try to sell us to Primeco while I'm gone. He knows that they're out of business but he loves that little pink alien they had for a mascot they had.

-Nokes Out!

My Moonbase

2007-12-11T05:23:00.000-08:00

As you may have read here, one of the items on my X-Mas list is 10% less air in the atmosphere. The Nokes figured that I probably wouldn't get that this year but as always, I planned ahead. For the past few months I've had a team from engineering working on building a moonbase for me. It's going to be my post-Hawaii vacation spot. A place where The Nokes and The Nokes' thoughts can become as Nokes as Nokes thoughts should be for The Nokes. Well, I had recently hired Richard Branson (you know, the eccentric British billionaire. Pictured left) to keep an eye on the Fake Sue thread at the Howard Forums message board. At first he was wondering why he should do it but then I explained to him that it would be really eccentric for a billionaire to take a job that he clearly didn't need. Richard and his giant teeth of course bit the bait. The real purpose though was to keep him occupied so that he wouldn't try to build a base on the moon too. The Nokes made some passing mention of it and now I hear that he's looking into putting up his own base up there complete with a giant Virgin Records store and 10 foot toothbrush.

I have Lil Kim scoping his house(s) as we speak.

-Nokes Out!

Jesus & The Nokes Now BFFs

2007-12-09T12:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, so we're not exactly best friends but Jesus and The Nokes did patch things up at my Gala. As you know, I've been eyeing Jesus' crown of thorns for some time. I invited Jesus to my party in hopes of relieving him of the crown. I figured it would make a great summer hat. Well, it turns out that the crown of thorns isn't all that impressive. A crown without a single jewel, diamond, or even gold on it?! It really just looks like an old crappy wreath. Oh, and don't get The Nokes started on the smell. Plus there was dried blood all over it. You'd think after 2000 years Jesus would have had one of his angels clean it or something. Apparently he thinks the blood is "cool." Whatever. Point is Jesus and I got to talking. Turns out he totally has a Nokes complex. I can appreciate that.

Barkley and I are off for our weekly toilet papering of Dotson's house. We used to light a bag of crap on his front door but he'd just come out and smell it. One time he even came out and ate a whole can of frosting until the bag died out. Very strange.

Training Video From Alltel

2007-12-08T17:27:00.000-08:00

Dotson just sent me this gem on the interweb. This video shows an Alltel employee on break in front of a drab looking Alltel building. Word on the street is that he was re-enacting his hiring exam.

This Is What Happens After I Leave A Center

2007-12-07T12:23:00.000-08:00

Nokes here. I'll be blogging from my private Concord Jet today. Not sure where I'm going yet but I needed to create some space between myself and all of the crying. Let me explain. I just left from a visit to one of our amazing call centers. As usual, a fantastic group of people work there. Not that I'm surprised since Nokes doesn't hire trash. FYI, The Nokes reviews each application for every position at T-Mobile. The problem is that as soon as I said that it was time to go the waterworks turned on. The Beatles would have killed for these kind of tears. Who would they have killed? I don't know, maybe Kennedy. Just thinking out loud here. Barkley snapped this picture of a particularly sad group. Nokes was really torn up about the situation. The only tears I want to see need to be chilled, in a louis vuitton glass, and in my hand. I had Carmela, the woman I hired to hug and shake hands with people for me, console them but it was of no use. I think it had something to do with the outfit C3PO picked out for her. To the right is picture of her getting ready to put her arms around the employees. What do you think? I almost fired her but then I remembered that I have a meeting tomorrow and will need a hand-shaker.

To those employees at the center: Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Don't worry, there's nothing to fear. Momma Nokes will be back with a new outfit, matching glasses, and more bling than you've ever seen before you know it.

Thankfully, C3PO packed my most relaxing DVD, "When Animals Attack." Nothing like a few tiger maulings to put The Nokes at ease.

-Nokes out!

Dotson & Barkley At The Party

2007-12-06T17:16:00.001-08:00

More Gala items. Dotson showed up a little late. We left a trail of maple syrup for him to follow so that he could find the entrance (the place is in the middle of nowhere) but we didn't count on him having a bag of pancakes with him. I mean what are the chances? But see, that's the beauty of Dotson: he's always prepared. He's mostly prepared to agree with all of my brilliant ideas but this proves that he's far more proactive than people give him credit for. Problem is that by the time he got to the door he had a full on sugar rush. He must've talked to Kim Kardashian about Halo 3 for an hour before he started climbing the Forbidden Fruit Tree. Thankfully Jesus hadn't shown up yet.

My good friend Charles Barkley had a great time too. He gave 10 different speeches on what it takes to be a champion. Kanye West was like "Yo Sue, It's kind of ironic since he never won a championship while in the NBA. " I told him that The Nokes didn't appreciate that. I had him put on my private Concord Jet and sent him straight to Chad from Alltel's house. Those two deserve each other. More on the Gala later. I need to go make sure the Earth is still rotating on it's axis.

-Nokes Out!

Another Party Update

2007-12-06T16:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's Gala was, like everything I do, a complete success. If someone could bottle me up and sell it they would be very poor because The Nokes is priceless. The Garden Of Eden is a pretty decent place. It's almost as nice as my subterranean chamber deep beneath T-Mobile headquarters. They don't take money for payment but a one night rental will cost you about two souls. Thankfully all Senior Managers and above are required to turn their soul over to me as soon as they accept the position. Nothing shady. It's right there in the letter they sign but most people usually skip that part and go straight to the salary section. Once they sign I become the manager of their soul. It's more of a hobby of mine but it really paid off big time last night. I know what you're thinking. Sue, how are you going to compensate those two employees for their souls? Let's just say there are two people who are about to receive a brand new Nokia 3390.

25th Year Anniversary Party Update

2007-12-05T17:25:00.000-08:00

Greetings! C3PO here. Master Nokes asked me to provide a quick update on her "25th Anniversary Of Being Awake Gala" for you, her fans. Or employees. One in the same really. Master Nokes has been having a most wonderful time. She even managed to fix the server issues in Washington on a bathroom break. Quite impressive. The party will be going strong until Friday Morning. Here's a picture of Master Nokes opening the party. Of course, that Kanye West tried to hog spotlight. What a dastardly fellow.

Unfortunately, some guests have gotten completely out of hand. Here's me preparing to escort an overly intoxicated racist from the party. The audacity to insult Master Nokes at her Gala. More updates to come.

Why T-Mobile Employees Love Me

2007-12-05T11:19:00.000-08:00

Sue here, blogging from my German T-Mobile iPhone. I'll have a full update on today's gala a little later today including pictures. I just had to take a quick break from having brandy with Ghandi to get something off my chest:

What is wrong with the idiots at AT&T wireless?! First they change their name to Cingular and put on a multimillion dollar ad campaign about how they're the biggest wireless company in the world and to come check out their Nickelodeon orange stores. Then a few months later all I see on my tv is "Cingular is now AT&T Wireless." What? Why? This kind of schizophrenic behavior is really puzzling. The Nokes would have taken that money and put into reward and recognition, incentives for frontline employees, a new company color... you know, something useful. Instead these wireless wanabees are so far behind us in customer satisfaction that if T-Mobile let out a fart the smell would be gone by the time it got to them.

Now I hear their CEO is pushing to change their name again. More bars in more places huh? How about you take a couple of bars of xanax? Then maybe you'll be able to calm down and stop this erratic behavior. Give back to your employees. That's the Nokes way. Uh oh. Looks like some losers from Amped Mobile are trying to crash my Gala. I gotta go grab Lil Kim and regulate on these fools.

-Nokes out!

Nice try Jesus, Tomorrow's Party Is Still On

2007-12-04T13:43:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, one of T-Mobile's major data centers in Bothell was the victim of mysterious flooding. If you want more specifics on the flooding just Google T-Mobile. It's all over the internet. Anyway, just because T-Mobile websites and other major systems are down that doesn't mean that tomorrow's "25th Anniversary Of Me Being Awake Gala" is being canceled. Oh no. It is still on.

Now, the timing of this flood seems a little strange to me. Hmm... just days before my major Gala steals the spotlight away from Jesus and his Christmas, what happens? T-Mobile is flooded. I don't know if any of you've read The Bible (Nokes hasn't; not into science fiction) but Lil Kim told me that Jesus/God has done this before. Apparently, one time he got so pissed off about something that he flooded the entire Earth. Then he forced some drunk senior citizen to build an arc and round up some lions or something. The balls! The Nokes would never abuse her power like that. Never. Let's look at the facts shall we:

1. I put together a Gala that is sure to steal Jesus' thunder this Christmas season

2. I snub Jesus by not inviting him

3. To add insult to injury I booked the freaking Garden Of Eden for the event! Even he hasn't been there in years. Doesn't like the vibe I guess.

Sounds like three things that are sure to piss Him off, right Nokesters? Fast forward to today and the building where we house the servers for all of our major systems is flooded. FLOODED. Sound familiar to anyone? Now everything is down... everything except The Nokes.

I guess he expected me to personally stay and rebuild all of the servers and recover data all day tomorrow. (all of which I of course, am capable of doing) Not happening. Before "The Second Great Flood" happened, I had actually told Lil Kim that I was going to invite Jesus after all. At first she was happy to hear that but then I told her that it was to get his crown of thorns, aka item #5 on my Christmas list of demands. Turns out Lil Kim is a devout Christian and didn't think that was right. Who knew? After she cleared up what "right and wrong" mean I decided that because Lil Kim is my homie, I would not try to steal the crown of thorns.

Well the gloves are off now! To hell with you Jesus. I just e-mailed Big Juicy J his invitation and wrote that the party has a hat theme. Gee, I wonder what he'll wear?

-Nokes Out!

This is how I roll...

2007-12-03T12:44:00.000-08:00

Here's a taste of the type of throw down you can expect from my party on Dec. 5th.

I really like my idea of having it in the middle of nowhere. I took the extra money saved, cashed it all in as $100 bills, and had C3P0 wipe my ass with them after he administered my daily colonic. You'll hear "twinkle toes" in the video talk about crack being back. Well, it is. I brought it back when I last met with my favorite drug lord in China. I plan on also bringing back the bubonic plague too but that will be a surprise.

My Fave 5

2007-12-01T15:13:00.000-08:00

People are always asking me who's in My Fave 5. This was a top question in our Employee Satisfaction Survey. We all know that I want to keep our employee base happy so here we go, clockwise:

1. The Nokes (w/o glasses) - Sometimes I like to touch base with myself for even more brilliant ideas or to decide which award winning outfit I'll be wearing.

2 Lil' Kim - Original member of my posse. As many of you know she takes care of my dirty work. In return, I ghost write most of her rhymes for her.

3. Charles Barkley - Now, Charles hates that I use his mugshot for his My Faves picture but I happen to think it's an excellent picture. I told him I would change it as soon as he wins an NBA Championship. Ha ha ha!

4. C3PO - My Personal Shopper. You never know when I'll need a new diamond ring, glasses, outfit, or warp core. Whatever strikes my mood.

5. The Nokes (with glasses)- I actually used to take up all 5 spaces in My 5. Each picture was shot from a different angle and a different jewelry set. I call this one whenever I need to create a fantastic new idea. Hotspot @ home began here people.

-Nokes Out

Alltel Visits T-Mobile

2007-12-01T14:41:00.000-08:00

Check out the video above. The nerve of this guy. Chad, the jerk from those Alltel commercials thought that it'd be cute to come visit T-Mobile and brag about My Circle. Hey clown, I liked it better when I invented it and called it My Faves. Truth is that Chad is just mad that we wouldn't hire him at T-Mobile. He applied to be a Customer Service Rep but he failed the typing, reading, math, and level-of-obnoxious tests. You should have read this guy's application. Under desired wage he scribbled, "a Case of LA Looks Hair Gel per week." Worst of all, it was written in eyeliner. Oh, and yes... I'm the one that turned on the sprinklers at the end.

-Nokes Out

All I Demand for X-Mas

2007-11-30T13:20:00.000-08:00

So here it is again.

My X-mas list -- Remember to keep the Christ out of X-Mas as to not spoil my party which is only a few days away!

Yes, it’s the same one that I’ve had for quite some time now in no particular order:

1. A pet chupacabra
2. The 8th Harry Potter book (the one where he actually dies a horrible death)
3. 10% less air in the atmosphere
4. Schindler’s List (not the DVD, the list)
5. Jesus’ Crown of Thorns (only because I doubt it hurt that bad)
6. A bottle of Julia Roberts smiles
7. Princess Di’s soul
8. A box of Care Bear hearts

I’m only down to 8 items. I was shocked to get a holodeck last year so I wonder what Santa will bring me for 2008! (I secretly have my fingers crossed for Schindler’s List since it will complete my Nazi paraphernalia collection!)

Nokes out!

How I Came Up With Myfaves

2007-11-30T12:02:00.000-08:00

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I had a pretty packed day which is saying a lot when you consider that I'm not only the COO of t-mobile but I also have to balance my daily diamond shopping, hanging out with charles barkley, and putting together my smashing outfits. However, yesterday was packed with relaxation. I spent most of the day in my holodeck (yes, I own a holodeck like the ones in star trek) re-living the day I created Myfaves.

Basically there were several people that I didn't want to ever call me. It's not even that I don't like talking to them. I just find their phone voices irritating. Nokes doesn't do irritation. Period. So Myfaves actually began as a way for me to set my phone to block phone calls from my five favorite people not to talk to. As with just about everything t-mobile users enjoy I wrote the preliminary code and took it to the engineers to finish up. Hey, gotta make them feel like they're part of the team or something. Well, some jezebel in marketing thought that Myfaves meant my five favorite people to talk to. Unbelievable! How dare she even think to interpret what I meant simply because I refused to leave any instructions. I looked into having her phone cloned so that we could bill her double but Barkley started blabbing about FCC rules against that kind of thing. Whatever. I finally realized that I had actually invented a great new feature for our customers and promptly gave myself a raise and doubled my stock options. Dotson, as usual agreed. He wanted to go to some crappy restaurant called lil john's and shoot a video to introduce this and "stick together" to all of our emploees. Typical. Food always has to be involved. I let him have this one though.

So that was my day. 10 hours of playing this over and over in my holodeck while sipping on chilled tears. Fantastic.

So Lil Kim Called...

2007-11-28T11:39:00.000-08:00

Long time Nokes entourage member Lil Kim called yesterday. She's concerned that im spending too much time with C3PO and that it might break up our posse. A lot of people don't know this but the 'Queen Bee' is actually very sensitive. Normally I trt to associate myself with the most emotionless of people. So why keep her around? Well, on top of being sensitive she can also be a ruthless gangsta. She takes care of some of the Nokes' dirty work. Remember how Catherine Zeta-Jones suddenly disappeared from our ads and Hollywood as well? Lets just say that perjury wasn't the only thing Lil Kim was doing time for. Fret not, I was able to smooth things over. Here's how the conversation went:

Kim: Wazzup Suzie N.? (That's my rap name kids)

Suzie N.: Chillin, chillin. Holding that drizzle on a pizzle, like a a klondike wit a whistle.

Kim: aight, aight. Hey wazzup with you and that gold dude from Star Wars? I seen ya'll been shoppin al P. Diddy style. That's yo' new crew? You forget bout the old posse?

Suzie N.: Kimmie pleaze. We just be catchin' up on that mad fashion flava Nokes missed when I kicked my old assistant shopper to the cizzurb. Me, you, and the rest of the posse still as tight as kid n' play.

Kim: Oh Suzie, Suzie, can't you see? Sometimes your words just hypnotize me.

Suzie N.: How 'bout you and Kimora Simmons meet me for lizzunch at Jay Z's 40/40 club in NY.

Kim: aight, aight.

Update On My 25th Year Anniversary Of Being Awake Gala

2007-11-27T19:22:00.000-08:00

I wanted to give everyone a quick update on my 25th Year Anniversary Of Being Awake gala. Again this is to celebrate 25 years of me not sleeping, something I started on December 5th 1982. Speaking of that date, a lot of people have asked me (despite my company memo not to ask me any questions for the rest of November) if that date has any significance. I strategically chose December for one reason. I was tired of Jesus and his Christmas stealing my limelight every December. I know that he died, resurrected, and all that but I've been awake for 25 years. 25! I didn't see that in any part of The Bible. Although, to be fair, I've never actually seen a Bible. But I digress. Enough about Him. This is about Me. As you know, I'm holding this shindig at the Garden Of Eden. Very exclusive. I hear I'll be the third person to ever hold an event there. Here's the list of A-List invitees so far:

Jamie Lee Curtis (We did kind of shaft her on the T-Mobile transition)
Simon Cowell (such a sweetheart)
Ghandi
The Dell Guy
Hillary Clinton (She needs some campaigning tips from The Nokes)
The guy from Police Academy that does voices (He does a great Robert Dotson crying.)
Slimer
2 Live Crew
Gizmo
Vanilla Ice
Kathy Griffin

More updates with the rest of the guest list to come. I have of course banned that gold digger Catherine Zeta-Jones.

-Nokes Out

The Season of Giving

2007-11-27T05:32:00.000-08:00

I just love the holiday season! It reminds me of how appreciated and adored I am. For Thanksgiving I enjoy sitting in my subterranean chamber (some have called it my Bat Cave) all day while I allow T-Mobile employees to stop by and thank me for everything I’ve done for them. You might be thinking, “but Sue, don’t you have an open door policy all year round like most companies?” Well of course I do! The very first door of the three to my private chamber is always open as long as you have the password and give a tiny blood sample! But on Thanksgiving I make it easier for everyone by making the password unnecessary!

Christmas is completely different from Thanksgiving but I enjoy it equally. The week prior to the 25th I bypass the Bat Cave entrance and use what I have learned to be called the “main entrance” to my T-Mobile building. I spend my time walking through the mazes of cubicles and test out my smile, which I’ve been working on since I took over…er.. I mean began employment at T-Mobile. Christmas is called “the season of giving” so why waste money on expensive gifts when the only thing my employees truly want is the opportunity to thank me?

I’ll have to tell you about bringing in the new year on a different blog. It’s bling-tastic!

CNN Money Article About Me...

2007-11-25T09:36:00.000-08:00

Checkout this CNN Money article about me here. Even those liberal tater tots at CNN know to bow down to the greatness that is Sue Nokes. Personal favorite quote:

"One rep suggests a feature that lets customers turn off incoming text messages so that they don't have to be charged; another, Sergio Juardo, wonders why T-Mobile.com has no web page in Spanish. Nokes listens carefully, seemingly unfazed by the fact that Juardo's cheek is painted with the words I HEART SUE NOKES."

Booya. The only problem I have with the article is that they airbrushed C3PO out of the picture! Unbelievable. I might have to recall Anderson Cooper's invitation for the shindig at the Garden of Eden.

-Nokes Out

C3PO And I Went Shopping

2007-11-25T00:49:00.001-08:00

I was finally able to clear out some time for C3PO to do some shopping for me. Now, I normally don't actually go shopping with my personal shoppers. I don't want to risk any commoner germs getting on me. I mean, just imagine if one of you rubbed up against me. It's just not a risk I'm going to take. Once my shopper buys my clothes they are debriefed and the clothes are sterilized three times before I'll even think about trying them on.

Since C3PO and I have been getting along so well I decided to accompany him. We flew out to New York on the Magenta Jet and had 5th avenue closed down for a few hours. Checkout me and C3PO with one of my new outfits. It was his idea to accent it with the leopard spots which also gave me a great idea as t what to do about the food for my 25th year of being awake anniversary. We're going to do a big cat theme. Jaguar roast, Florida Panther crepes, etc. Any big cat on the endagered species list. Only the best and rarest for the Nokes.

-Nokes Out

Celebrating 25 Years Without Sleep

2007-11-19T21:19:00.001-08:00

As many of you know, I don't sleep. I've been up since December 5, 1982. That means the 25th year anniversary of me being awake is coming up. I'm throwing the biggest Gala of all time. We're renting out The Garden Of Eden so put on your best set of leaves and leave the sins at home. More on this to come as we get closer to the event...

New personal Shopper

2007-11-19T21:17:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile but The Nokes has been very busy. Not having a personal shopper turned out to be more difficult than I thought. Now, let me make one thing clear. It's not that I can't go through my life without a personal shopper. Not only can I handle my own life but I could also take on all of your plebeian tasks and still have time be fitted for a custom leather t-shirt.

So the problem is that after I fired my personal shopper I began wondering about how she was going to pay her bills, take care of her parents, buy food, and most importantly how she'd pay for her T-Mobile cell phone bill. My good friend Charles Barkley tried to tell me that I was feeling something called "guilt." I calmly yelled at him that I only feel one emotion that has been dubbed, "Nokes" and that I obviously couldn't be feeling this guilt thing he was yammering about. My doctor claims that the lack of emotion has to do with sleep deprivation. He's lucky I didn't revoke his license right there. Anywho, if Nokes is one thing Nokes is a problem solver. So I've hired a new personal assistant, C3PO. He cost like 275,000 Imperial Credits but money is no object for the Nokes. My new assistant C3PO will be starting next week after he flies in from Tatooine. I guess he was made in China or something. He's a robot that doesn't need to sleep, eat, or be cared for. I think we're going to get along famously.

The Verizon Voyager

2007-10-12T21:22:00.000-07:00

Have you seen this thing? LG basically just went and ripped off the iPhone. Not only did make the outside look like an iPhone but they even setup the menus the same way. Ridiculous. We're not interested in being copycats here at Sue Mobi.. uh, T-Mobile. We innovate, Just take a look at the new T-Mobile Shadow. Yes, it has the same Windows Mobile 6 Operating System that a slew of our other phones have but hey... it's called "The Shadow" and it's sleek and black. That's how you innovate.

Speaking of the iPhone. I picked mine up on my last trip to Germany. This phone is blingtacular. Want to know the real reason why we didn't sign a deal with Apple for the iPhone? Exclusivity. For me. We needed to be sure that I would be the only one with an exclusive legal iPhone on our network. This in turn makes all of our customers have an exclusive. How? Now they're the only ones with a non-at&t cell phone company executive with a legal iPhone running on T-Mobile. You're welcome.

My Personal Shopper

2007-10-07T10:45:00.001-07:00

I had to fire my personal shopper today. I want to feel sad about it but unfortunately I only have one emotion which doctors have coined the term “nokes” for to describe it since it’s an emotion I alone seem to have. She is the one responsible for my signature outfits. Who could forget my brown fishing net full body wrap? Or my Versace cat suit? More recently she had teamed up with Elton John’s sunglasses buyer and did some amazing work on getting me the most “bling” frames in an effort to make all the lowly frontline employees drool over my authentic name brand apparel. But as it turns out, my personal shopper (who we’ll just call Disappointment) got knocked up. Yes, I know what you’re thinking “But Sue, new born baby tears is one of your favorite drinks??!!” Well, Disappointment aborted the darn thing! She came to my office in tears going on about something like she thought her job was more important and she just wasn’t ready to be a parent, blah, blah, blah. I fired Disappointment not because she aborted it but rather she didn’t save the aborted fetus! It’s the veal of human beings. Needless to say I had my guards sent in and Disappointment was promptly removed from my presence. I now need to find a new personal shopper. Maybe I’ll find one in Germany…

So Robert Dotson Calls...

2007-10-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

So Robert Dotson (T-Mobile's CEO and my boss, on paper anyway) called me this morning to cry about T-Mobile being the new iPhone carrier in Germany. He started ranting and raving about how T-Mobile USA got shafted on the iPhone or something. Honestly, I have a hard time understanding anything anyone that's 5 pounds or more overweight says. It's not personal gluttons... just a sin. Anywho, I finally just cut him off and ask him how the hell he got my number. I mean, come on! The only people that should have my number are Charles Barkley, Sue Nokes, and other A-List celebrities. Doughboy then tried pulling the "technically, I'm your boss" card. I then informed that technically, he's about three seconds away from me jumping over to the Nokes Transporter and beaming over a Fake Sue Bitch Slap. I could feel him sweating with fear. If only I could've had Charles scoop up some of his sweat for me. Fear sweat is a great moisturizer. I told him he needed to do two things:

- Go get a klondike bar or whatever desert he usually has for breakfast and relax.
- Never ever call me again.

I informed Dotson that if Sue Nokes wants to hear his opinion she will give it to him. Now that that's out of the way I can get on with my trip. I'm off to Germany. Gotta go pickup my new iPhone.

-Sue Out!